The holidays are over and I’m reflecting on the really crazy month of December.

I’ve become a Scrooge around the holidays these days because it is all just too much for me. First of all, the music drives me crazy. They rotate about a dozen songs over and over. I feel that Christmas has become a bit too commercial for my taste. I hate how consumer driven it is and how people get so crazy about what to buy, buy, buy. To me, a present should come from your heart and not out of an obligation. I don’t remember feeling this way when I was younger, and I especially didn’t feel this way when Dana was younger. It was so much fun to bake, decorate and get presents for her and my family back then. I loved going to church for the candle-lit Christmas Eve service at Old First Church. Sometimes I hear people say that Christmas is for kids and I always disagreed with that – until my kid became old enough to be away from me on Christmas. I think that’s when it changed for me.

At the end of the day, I have come to the conclusion that my feelings about Christmas stem from not having a community that I am in tune with. A group of anyone – be it family or friends – that keep the traditions with me that were so fun when I was younger. I can’t rely on my family. Everyone now has their own families and I guess Joe & I aren’t really a part of that. I don’t really have any friends here in Pittsburgh and the few that I have do things with their own families. I’m not a part of that. My friends that I had in Brooklyn have many traditions that I used to be a part of, but they’re so far away (and I have an obligation here) so I can’t be a part of that now. So I am left maintaining something for my 96 year old mother to celebrate. All of the cooking and planning seems to fall on me. I make a beautiful dinner for people who don’t really seem to appreciate or care about any of this. It only matters to me.

That’s why this Christmas seemed so much better to me. There was the bright light of Dana coming home to spend time with both Michael and me. I looked forward to Christmas like I hadn’t for many years. It was so good to have her here, even if the time was just so brief. She spent time with Michael and cooked for him and put up a Christmas tree with him. They went to the movies and I think got to reconnect. Michael never leaves his house or bothers with people, so having Dana there reignited something in him – if only temporarily. Dana and I got to bake together, cook, laze around and watch TV and shop in all the stores her heart desired. I had so much fun watching her delight in things that I take for granted. Things like all the cool choices at Trader Joe’s and Target or going to a fun lunch with my mom (her Nana) to Red Lobster and picking out make up at Ulta. I got to spoil her a bit which was something I don’t ever get to do. We had a power loss one night at our house while she was with us and she asked if we had a deck of cards. Well that turned into a four-hour long marathon game of 500, listening to music, drinking wine and laughing the whole time. It made me so happy that Joe & Dana seemed to bond a little over their delight in making fun of me. My feelings didn’t get hurt and I just loved spending time with my two favorite people. I have to say, laughing never goes out of style. I just don’t get to do it as often as I’d like.

What is the lesson here, Grasshopper? That Christmas is really a spirit within you. It’s about being with people you love and care about. So when you hear a person saying they don’t like Christmas, they’re probably missing someone or longing to feel connected to something. I feel so lucky that I got to experience that feeling of love again this Christmas. It’s what we all crave as humans. Connection.